Apparently, I’m fluent in passive-aggressive domestic shouting! The following are examples from the past week:
1. The Printer
“You had ONE job!”
All I wanted was a simple printout of our new reflection page! Instead, I got a flashing red light, an error code about cartridges, and paper jammed in a way that defies physics. I’m 87% sure it’s just gaslighting me at this point.
2. The Cabinet Door That Attacked My Head
“CASH ME OUTSIDE! HOW BOUT DAT!”
I leaned down, stood up too fast, and BAM, judo chop to the head from the corner of the cabinet. I am now seeing stars and in negotiations with Ryu for emotional support.
3. My Coffee Maker
“Don’t act like you don’t burn me every time I try to clean you!”
I opened the top to my single serve coffee maker and it thrust a thousand suns onto my hand! Apparently, the universe hates me and loves burning my hand.
4. Junk Drawer
“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!”
Every random and abandoned thing you can think of. It’s a tragic, stabby love story, and I’m the only one suffering.
5. The Wind
“COULD YOU NOT?!”
Just trying to carry a stack of grow bags like a functioning adult. Instead, I’m chasing bags across the yard like I’m reenacting a low-budget Twister remake.
6. My Coat Zipper
“You traitor.”
Right when I’m trying to get Ryu outside and trying to look like a whole adult human, my coat decides it wants to audition for Cirque du Soleil by flipping inside out and eating itself…
7. The Dish Washer
“Why are you beeping??”
Door shut, full of water (it’s a countertop washer). Everything is perfect and yet… BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I fear for my sanity at this point.
8. That One Shoe
“WHERE IS YOUR PARTNER?!”
Ryu has an uncanny ability to make shoes disappear, but only one of the pair. This is an everyday frustration.
9. The Fridge Light
“Don’t you dare go out on me.”
That little flicker when you open the door? That’s fridge-speak for “you’re about to enter the dark ages.” Last time it went out, it took YEARS for me to remedy.
10. My Ozlo Charger
“I TRUSTED YOU.”
It was plugged in. It pretended to charge. It lied. My headphones are dead. My great night sleep is dead. Our relationship is dead.
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Moral of the Story:
Inanimate objects have it out for us. Or maybe I just need more sleep (thanks, Ozlo) and less caffeine (thanks, homicidal coffee maker.) Either way, stay safe out there, friends, and don’t trust the junk drawer or the coffee maker!
Yard 2 Yield! 