Author Archives: Steph VonAhnen, LRMT, CLC

There’s a funny thing that happens when you tell people you believe in gender roles. They look at you like you just stepped out of a 1950s time capsule, apron, pearls, and all. Let me tell you something: I didn’t choose this life out of fear.  I chose it from freedom. — 🛠️ I ChopContinue reading “Traditional by Choice: Why I Serve My Partner and Still Feel Powerful”

(a tale of healing, boundaries, and the ancient art of not putting up with nonsense) Let’s get something straight right out the gate: mushrooms are brilliant, weird little beings that can heal your gut, calm your nervous system, boost your immunity, and possibly whisper forest secrets to you if you’re quiet enough. Then there areContinue reading “Medicinal Mushrooms & People Who Should Probably Be Eaten by Them”

It all started with a vision and a cast iron cauldron.  I wanted abundance, lush tomatoes, towering sunflowers, and a backyard Eden worthy of a Pinterest board.  So I did what any modern homesteader with a crystal in her bra would do: I manifested. I saged the perimeter.  I whispered kind words to my seedlings. Continue reading “That Time I Tried to Manifest a Better Garden and Accidentally Got a Squirrel Army”

This morning, I took Evalynn to the dentist.  It was one of those early Tuesday appointments you agree to when you’re feeling overly optimistic about your future self’s time management skills.  We shuffled in with mismatched socks, semi-brushed hair, and the kind of sleepy smiles only kids can pull off without consequence.  She sat inContinue reading “The Alchemy of a Tuesday Afternoon: Some people search for gold.Others transform the mundane into magic.”

We’ve all heard that golden oldie: “Time heals all wounds.”Let’s be freaking real!  Time can be a terrible therapist.  It ghosted me when I needed it most, gave me the silent treatment for years, and still never reimbursed me for the emotional labor. 😤 What actually happens is this:You get used to the pain.You buildContinue reading “Time Doesn’t Heal All Wounds: You Just Learn How to Bleed Better”

Some days, you drag yourself out to the garden in a bathrobe, fuzzy socks, and last night’s mascara still clinging on for dear life.  And the tomato plant?  Could not care less.  She’s got blossoms to pollinate and hornworms to battle.  Your exhaustion is irrelevant to her photosynthesis schedule. That’s the beauty of the garden:Continue reading “The Tomato Plant Doesn’t Care If You’re Tired: And Other Brutal Truths from the Garden”

Opening Rant (because every good story starts with a splash):Let me tell you something!  Nothing will humble you faster than realizing your city’s water supply is basically a lukewarm swamp smoothie by June.  Nitrate levels?  Sky high.  Tap water?  More like crap water.  So here I am, standing in my yard with a dog bowl,Continue reading “Rain Barrels & Chicken Secrets: A Backyard Water Saga”

There I was.  Bored.  Creative.  Slightly feral from too many nights of herbal tea and responsible choices.  Armed with a mirror, five minutes, and a metallic marker that whispered seductively from the  mess on my coffee table, > “You up?” Was it designed for eyes?Absolutely not.Did it shimmer like the tears of a disco ball?YouContinue reading “Metallic Marker Eyeliner, Free Will, and the Insta Reel That Sparked a Micro-Revolution”

🌀 The Cosmic Cop-Out So Mercury will be in retrograde again (July 17th-18th.)  That magical time when texts go missing, appointments get double-booked, and every device in your house decides to glitch like it’s haunted by the ghost of dial-up past.   Instagram feeds fill up with warnings like, “Don’t sign contracts!” and “Avoid travel!”, asContinue reading “Don’t Blame Mercury Retrograde: You Just Need Better Boundaries”

Now that everyone’s in one group thread, it’s only a matter of time before someone rage-leafs. — 🥒 Cucumber:Anyone else feel like they’re being suffocated out here?  I’m having trouble breathing!🪴 Mint: YOU’RE in my personal space.🌶️ Hot Pepper: lol fight fight fight — 🍅 Tomato:Hey guys! Just checking, am I blushing too early?  I’mContinue reading “If Plants Could Text… Part 2: The Garden Group Chat Meltdown”